Day 212: Forward Motion

In processing my own behavioral patterns I've acknowledged culture, childhood, and worldview. All factors, and significant ones. But lately I've been looking more practically than philosophically at this issue.

For all my good intentions and attempts to respond thoughtfully, it seems the reactions just spill out before I get the chance to think and make a conscious choice about how I'm communicating, verbally and non-verbally.

And this is why. My neurons are firing down well-worn pathways and I can't stop them.

Of course bad habits are broken all the time, and though my neurological physiology plays a role, I'm not its victim. Those neural patterns don't define me. They don't have to anyway.

The problem is that in trying to move away from coercive communication and discipline strategies - the ones ingrained in me through culture, childhood experiences, and an absorbed worldview - I've forgotten to move toward something else.

I can't just shut down neural pathways. Attempting to move backward is as effective as remaining static. I have to re-route them in a positive direction.

I can't focus on restraining coercive communication, I must focus on injecting love and acceptance into my communication.

Avoiding or attacking the negative, only brings more negative energy to my life and my relationships. But welcoming and actively pursuing a positive alternative creates change in a positive way - through forward motion.

As I work toward peaceful and loving words, they will eventually crowd out their judgmental and confrontational counterparts.

So my goal for the upcoming week (and beyond, of course) is to move toward, not away. To let go of the things I want to extinguish and center my attention on what I want to establish. Because the only way I want to move is forward.

Day 208: Refreshed

Ahhhhhh. I feel much better!

Looking at the full July calendar, acknowledging the stress I was feeling, and honoring the commitments I made in an attempt to remedy those things, I decided to take a spontaneous break from blogging last month.

I didn't write, didn't look at it, didn't think about it...just enjoyed sunny days at the park, spent lots of time with family, got caught up on a few major projects, and tried to get a little more organized to reduce the chances of getting behind and overwhelmed again. Only time will tell...

But now that I can look at my to-do list without panicking, I'm excited to get back to writing. And maybe with a little less stress and a little more "free" time, the lessons will sink in a little easier.

And speaking of lessons...

In doing a little more soul-searching on the whys surrounding my backslide into behavior modification and punitive discipline, I came to some difficult conclusions.

Despite how cognitively sure I am that non-punitive discipline "works" is "right" and in all ways superior to the mainstream parenting model, I haven't given myself over to it. I believe it in my head, but not my heart.

My heart is still telling me that I only have power if I have control, that there's always a winner and a loser when we come together with differing desires, that a "good" child always falls in line. I know beyond all doubt that these things are false. And while I've accepted the idea of non-punitive parenting, I haven't committed myself to the reality of it. The reality of surrender and trust.

Relating to my kids in a non-punitive, mutually respectful way is beyond counter-cultural; it's a philosophy that is vehemently opposed by everything I see, hear, read, watch and experience. So not only am I turning from the authoritarian ideals I grew up accepting as right and normal, but I'm trying to do so in the midst of a culture that outspokenly rejects my newly chosen values.

Some days the fight against the current, both internal and external, seems useless. Other days I worry that by the time I finally do get it, it will be too late.

But when I think of how God shattered my inaccurate punitive view of him as he met me continually with grace and forgiveness, I'm reminded that a change of heart is possible for me and that the resulting change in our relationship will ameliorate the pain we experienced along the way.

As I seek a deeper relationship with God, the grace that's missing from my parenting will appear, and the non-punitive approach God takes with me will influence the way I feel about discipline. Until one day I wake up and find that it's so much a part of me it comes naturally to respond with love and acceptance.

But until then, I'm confident I'll have lots to work through and plenty to write about! So back on the wagon we go...

Day 178: Story Time

Who doesn't love a good story. It's why we go the movies and watch our favorite shows, and it keeps the pages of a good book turning even when our eyelids are heavy.

We're drawn to tales of adventure, romance, fantasy and even danger because they take us to a place where we can live vicariously through the characters. We can feel and do without limitation. We can try on roles and relationships we'd never experience in real life. And all without any of the risk that comes along with actually feeling and doing.

But what happens when we are the characters?

It's sobering to think that I'm the primary author of my boys' beginnings. Because the tale I want them to tell when they look back and the way they're stories are playing out in the present are sometimes two very different things.

Of course there are the good days which could be recounted nostalgically: My mom was so loving and patient. She really cared about how I felt and what I needed, and she was always connected, never too busy. She let me explore and discover, and she encouraged my curiosity and creativity even when it wasn't convenient for her. Our relationship was more important to her than anything else.

And then there are the bad days: My mom was angry a lot. She was impatient with me when I was still learning, and sometimes she would yell even though I didn't know what I had done wrong. She was more concerned about me making a mess or breaking something than about the fun I would have or the amazing things I would learn taking risks and thinking outside the box. I felt like I couldn't do anything quite right.

Being an imperfect person, and an intense one at that, I don't see the former in our future. And I pray that the bad days are few enough that they won't be the only ones that color the boys' impressions of childhood.

But where in the middle we fall is still unknown. Because the rest of their stories are unwritten.

Every day, every interaction, every moment is a chance for me to show them that loving and patient mother...or not. And all those experiences, good and bad, are compiling on the pages of their lives, no matter how badly I want my apologies, tears, hugs, and kisses to erase some of them. And they too, will be unable to change these chapters.

As I write on my own blank pages now, I'm very aware of the effect my beginning still has on me. The positive things written for me as a child far outweigh the negative, but still I find myself longing to go back and dab a little whiteout on the smudges. Just enough so that the struggles I have now are a little less and so the hold those experiences have on me loosens enough for me to escape their repetition.

But as much as it pains the editor in me to admit it, all the chapters written up until this very moment are already printed. For them and for me. The only power I have to change them now is to alter how I let them influence me today. And on the bad days, it's some comfort to know that my boys will have the same opportunity.

As they slowly take over the authoring of their own stories, they'll get to choose to let the negative shape them or guide them toward better things. My only hope is that the positive words I write on their opening pages will make it far easier for them to do just that.

Life is no fairytale, but a happy ending is possible for every one of us if we choose to write it that way. So as I do my best to pen happiness and love into their lives, I'll also remember that they're watching what I do with less-than-perfect. Am I showing them that I can write happiness and love into my own life?

Day 176: You Know Better!

I commented to a friend the other day that I felt I was a really great mom 0-2, and not as much so far 2-3. Which got me to thinking about why that is.

With Max I'm more patient, more flexible, more compassionate and understanding. And I used to be with Jackson too. But now I too often find myself thinking You know better! which is what leads to impatience, rigidity, and indifference. But does he? And does it matter?

As he has become more capable, my expectations have risen higher, and with them my intolerance for the times when he inevitably falls short.

I know development isn't linear. I know that the fact that he did something yesterday does not mean he's capable of the same today. But still I struggle to adjust my expectations.

And that adjustment is really what it comes down to. Sometimes he really doesn't know better. Sometimes he does, but has the impulse control of a child. Sometimes he does and he's making a last ditch effort to get my attention after his loving and respectful attempts landed on deaf ears and blind eyes. Sometimes it's just the only way he knows how to show me how he feels and what he needs.

But whatever the case, my expectation should be that he is always behaving in a way that is "right." Because "right" when you're two means being connected to your needs and feelings and doing your best to make them known, especially when you need help with them.

He's communicating important things with me through these behaviors that push my buttons, and I only need to change the way I'm interpreting them for it to become positive for both of us.

Day 171: It's Just...

As pretty much everything else has been this summer, our playgroup was rained out this week. But one brave soul volunteered to host, so we all took advantage of the opportunity to get our own kids out of the houses they've been strangely cooped up in for most of the month of June...and May...and, well it hasn't been a very park-friendly season so far.

We walked in to find a beautifully arranged table of art supplies, and before long we were all watching paintbrush double dipping and playdough colors being smashed together into one big marbled mass. I think a few of us started to hyperventilate. Then we launched into our own stories of OCD meets child rearing.

And the common thread in those stories was It's just... I wish I didn't need the reminders so often, but I'm certainly glad they keep coming. This one was one of my favorites.

It's just flour

So often the behaviors I try foolishly to change in Jackson are just the product of a two-year-old being two - curious, creative, and rambunctious. And always - always - the thing I'm upset about is just not as important as nurturing him and our relationship.

The mess he drags all over the house - up, down, left, right, this corner, that nook, anywhere you can imagine and then ten more places you can't - is more likely a great opportunity for me to learn to let go and focus on more important things than it is an opportunity to teach him responsibility.

Do the upstairs toys really need to stay upstairs and downstairs toys downstairs? Do they really need to be sorted? Aren't they his things and shouldn't he be able to play with them and put them away how he likes?

Maybe putting the singing hamster and the pretend razor in the same bin makes sense to him because the guy might need a shave in the middle of the night. And maybe overturning the ball pit to make a cozy place to lay with his animals isn't as much messy as it is creative.

Of course it's not that order and responsibility shouldn't be learned. But ranting like a crazy person about the mess while demanding that he pick it up and put it away my way might not be the most effective way to teach those things, certainly not to inspire them. I wonder how I would feel if he went off about the horrific stack of crap perpetually on my "desk" (aka the dining room table) and ordered me to rearrange everything, or worse yet, clean it up so there was no stack of crap.

It's just dirt

When it comes down to it, no matter what the situation is and no matter how huge it feels at the time, I can always say It's just...

It's just a shirt (which we probably paid a quarter for at a garage sale). It's just a camera (maybe using a disposable camera would be nostalgic, remember waiting to get them developed?). It's just an appointment (that I probably would've found a way to be late to if he hadn't). It's just a nap (which he will not die without, nor will his brother).

But I'll never find myself thinking, it's just our relationship...it's just his feelings...it's just his self-esteem...it's just his confidence. No, those things have to be more important. And if I'm focused on his behavior, I'm showing him they're not.

I have to change my frame of mind. I shouldn't be asking myself how I'm going to motivate him to do what I want or worse, make him do what I want. In every situation I should only ask: How can I love him in this moment? Because balls neatly inside the ball pit or strewn all over the room, what matters is that he feels loved and cherished. It's just that simple. 

Day 168: I Don't Wanna!

I feel like throwing a good old fashioned tantrum.

I've spent the past few days not posting, but actively working through the issue of letting go of some of the things that are filling up my life. I've complied lists galore, diagrams, and even pie charts (that's right, I said pie charts) in an attempt to analyze which trumps the other and relegate a few to the gotta-go pile.

But each and every one of the things I'm involved in is important to me! In their own way, as much as they drain my time and energy, they fulfill, equip and energize me.

I feel torn. Is it better to impact a few people in a big way or lots of people in a small way? Do I prioritize the things through which I feel I have the greatest positive impact or the ones that are most personally fulfilling. Does personally fulfilling mean it feeds me individually or our family as a whole? And what part of me or our family needs to be fed? Do I go with the numbers and get rid of the things that require the most from me or the ones for which the effort-payoff ratio is smallest?

So many questions with so many possible answers, none right or wrong. Not a comfortable way to make a decision for this black-and-white mom. The bottom line is that I do the things I do because they're positive and productive and I'm passionate about all of them.

Of course the things I really wish I could ditch are the non-negotiables that don't stir my heart with excitement, but which are vital to our family and business. And through all the pie charting I've been trying to see those things in a more positive light - being thankful that I'm needed, a part of the "team" and able to contribute, and viewing that service to my family as meaningful instead of a drag, no matter how much I hate paperwork and the like.

My pie chart would definitely be the inverse. No, scratch that. It would all be eaten and there would be a picture of another pie labeled "next."

Once the tantrum subsided, I got all the details sorted out and dove beneath the surface to get a little more honest with myself. And there were a few front-runners for the cut. There were also some painfully obvious imbalances in terms of energy in vs energy out and the target of that spent energy.

Ironically, "set priorities" has literally been written on my to-do list for at least two months now without having been addressed - a sign that perhaps priorities aren't in line, you think?

So in establishing priorities, these are the conclusions I came to:

• Spending my time and energy on positive and productive things, does not necessarily equal a positive and productive use of my time and energy if priorities are not set and honored. In other words, a good thing in general can be a bad thing for me or our family if it takes precedence over something more important.
• I'm investing a lot of energy in relationships - a valuable and positive thing, no question. But I'm spreading that energy among too many people and leaving gaping holes where there should be more invested, namely within my extended family. The list of women I genuinely want to spend time with is so long it actually causes stress based on the number of phone calls and emails I "need" to make and play dates I "need" to schedule. I simply have to allow those relationships either weather the long periods between talks and time spent together or fall to the wayside if they're not hearty enough to do so. A tough task when one of my great passions is community building!
• I'm not engaging in enough self-care to sustain the load I've taken on. The piling stress leads to poor nutritional choices, either from a lack of time to nourish myself with a good meal and sit down while I eat or because a brownie masquerades as a reward before causing a crash and burn reaction, to say nothing of the guilt and self-loathing. (Seriously though, if you haven't tried the peanut butter brownies at the Good Earth Co-Op, you haven't lived.) When I'm over-scheduled I don't have time to run, an essential for my physical and emotional well-being. And I don't have the "luxury" of listening to my body when it's telling me to take a short nap while the kids sleep or just take thirty minutes to rest and read one of the five thousand books on my as-if-I'll-ever-have-time wish list. These are simple things that have to fit in if I'm going to be effective.
• Real life has to come first. My research and facebook addiction is easy to justify, not only because it's a form of activism which has led me to the opportunity to help quite a few women and their families, but also because our family has gained so much from what I've learned through all that reading, often after seeing something posted on a friend's page. But some things, like nurturing those real-life friendships and a little self-care, are more important than piling up more knowledge, no matter how useful. 
• Spirituality, which could easily also fall under relationships, self-care, and real life, has to top the list. It is the glue that holds all the rest together and gives it all meaning. I'm not modeling the kind of relationship with and reliance on God that I want my kids to see, and they're not experiencing his love as they should because it's not able to flow through me when I give that relationship little time or attention. The kind of energy and strength I'll gain from prioritizing this aspect of life will fuel me to do more and be better in every other way. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

And the practical application goes like this:

• I will post for myself a visible list of priorities and make to-do lists and schedule activities accordingly.
• I will leave at least two of five weekday mornings open so we have more freedom and less stress.
• I will take an evening run by myself at least once per week and use one of those free mornings and one weekend day to run with the kids.
• I will invest first in my family relationships and closest friendships and only spread my energy further if there is enough to do so. I must trust that there's enough of me to nurture the relationships that are meant to be sustained.
• I will sit down to eat lunch with the boys and make a plan for dinner each morning so we can also eat as a family in the evening. Less chaos at meal times will be good for all of us.
• I will take a hiatus from facebook reading and posting. When we settle into a less hectic routine, I'll allow myself to return to it only if other priorities are tended to first, and only at a specified time of day and for a reasonable amount of time which will depend on how much "extra" is available at that point. For now I will log on once during nap time to admin the Holistic Parenting group I created and check my inbox. No homepage. I repeat, NO homepage!
• I will continue to respond to and prioritize calls, emails, and messages from women seeking support or information as these fall under the "real-life" relationship guideline when directed specifically to me. However, I will not address general online posts with the same questions unless the need is urgent or the response so simple it's faster to post it than think about it again.
• I will delegate more responsibility to my Holistic Moms Network co-leaders and if something can't be taken on by one of them, I will allow myself to let it go.
• I will use my now screen-free time to focus on finishing La Leche League training. A real-life passion that has taken a back seat to other less-important reading.
• I will read a Bible verse each morning with Jackson during breakfast, a great way to also make sure we're sitting down to that meal together. Here's hoping I can answer the slew of questions that will come my way about each one!
• We will jump back in to our church and seek relationships there, not just attendance.
• I will ask for the specific help I need. I am blessed with a husband that is endlessly supportive, parents who bend over backward to help out, and in-laws who would do anything they could for us and I simply need to be organized enough to identify where and how they can relieve some pressure. This will not only help me (and as a byproduct, the kids who have to put up with me all day), but it will make our family function more as a team and deepen relationships as we rely on each other.

I think the goals are realistic and achievable. It's really all riding on staying focused. I'm easily distracted by so many things I want to accomplish and ways I want to contribute, but if I honor that list of priorities, I'll have no choice but to stay on track.

And when the pressure starts to lift, joy is abundant, and love flows more freely, I hope the rewards will be enough to make maintaining balance come a little more naturally.

Day 164: Time, Connection, and Stuff

There's something wrong with the way we're living when everyone you meet agrees that there aren't enough hours in the day, when stress is considered normal and no one gets enough rest and relaxation to recharge and face another day or week.

And the logic follows then, that there's something wrong with the way I'm living. Because when I peel back all the layers covering my struggle to see beyond behavior to the heart, it all comes down to time, connection and stuff.

Not long ago when I had one child, no job, fewer relationships and no volunteer responsibilities, I had time to engage in the kind of connection and communication my relationship with Jackson needed. I was able to take our days at a slower pace and actually sit and eat lunch with him instead of frantically trying to do dishes and sweep floors or get Max to sleep while he eats alone. I was able to get some much needed relaxation and me-time just by going to the park and watching him play in the splash pad while I read a book in the sun. I was able to read to him and play during the day instead of being glued to a computer screen trying desperately to catch up on a workload that just keeps growing.

It's easy to blame myself for being impatient when he needs to take his time (Ahhhh! We're late again!?) or to feel guilty about not engaging him the way I used to or as often. But the reality is that I haven't changed, our life has. I'm still the same person with the same capacity for love and patience, I've just slowly become overloaded by more and more stuff. Stuff that is eating up the time and energy I need to connect and be present with him.

Of course Maxwell was the first and biggest change (and I think we'll keep him :D), but very quickly after him came one responsibility after another and eventually my relationship with Jackson got crowded out. He got less and less of my time and attention and it's now culminating in issues of jealousy with Max and desperate attempts to reconnect with me through negative behavior. (And here come the tears)

I can't believe it took me so long to finally see what was lying underneath it all. The change was so gradual - adding one thing, then another - that I couldn't see how far we had strayed from what used to be normal for our relationship.

But now it's clear that the behaviors I've been fighting against and trying to control (in him and myself!) have been pleas for me to come back to him, let go of the stuff and give him the connection he needs and the time he deserves.

I was forgetting how intuitive and in tune with my energy he is. He's so painfully aware that when I'm with him, I've got a million other things running through my head - I'm not really there like I used to be. I may have convinced myself that I was giving him what he needed, but he knew better.

I'm so proud and so thankful that the connection we built early on left him unsatisfied with my leftovers. Only his refusal to accept the scraps of my time and energy would ever be enough to pull me back to center and right our relationship.

So on to the work. Learning new tools is helpful and I always want to pursue growth. But trying to manage the feelings of frustration, impatience, and anger that swell up when I'm stressed and overwhelmed is like putting a bandaid over a gaping wound. Something bigger needs to change. The stress itself has to go, and that means addressing the stuff.

Because I am enough. I have enough patience, enough love, enough energy, enough of everything, even time, for the things that are truly important. Finding myself in this constant state of frenzy - rushing everywhere, always behind, too stressed to connect - isn't because I'm not enough, it's because the "stuff" is too much.

And as I end on that thought and soak in its truth, I'm struck with the reality of having to move on to making decisions about what can stay and what needs to go. No easy task and a good topic for tomorrow.