Day 25: SpongeJack Copy Pants

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

You've heard it before: Children are like sponges, soaking up everything they see and hear. Everything. And just in case I ever forget, Jackson is happy to remind me. Take the food-meets-floor stage around 12 months. I watched him throw a pea to the ground, look me square in the eye and say, "Dammit, Jackson!" Whoops! Guess that one was slipping out pretty frequently, huh? Impressive language skills, but not quite what I was going for.

Or how about this morning when Max was yelling and he went over to him, squatted down to his level and said with a straight face, "Max, I can't take any more whining and complaining." *Facepalm* Not exactly the message I want him to take in, and certainly not what I want him regurgitating on other people. In fact, I don't even remember saying it to him, but since I'm the one he's with every day, we all know the buck stops here.

For all the things I'm conscious of modeling, there are so many more that slip under my radar. Being Ms. Negative means I dwell on the examples of my failures. But today I thought I'd squeeze into the telephone booth, lose the pessimistic lenses and try on some new tights. 

Happier than a mom at nap time. More optimistic than Mahatma Ghandi. Able to leap to positive conclusions in a single thought. Look, coming out of the darkness. It's a zen master. It's a swami. Dun-da-da-dunnnn...It's Captain Bright Side!

Okay, okay, so I don't exactly have optimistic superpowers. But I do, now and then, try to see the world through rose colored glasses, and today just happens to be one of those day. Literally every moment I'm with my children, I'm modeling. They see everything from the way I interact with people at the grocery store to how I treat their dad, and even how I treat myself. And they're picking up more good things than bad. I see the way Jackson respects other people and rules set in other places, how he comforts Maxwell when he's upset and asks his dad how his day was, and I know it's because he saw it, not because I taught it.

When I toss a book onto a pile and he very seriously tells me, "Mommy, do you think you should be more respectful with the library's book?" I can be proud that he has soaked up the value of taking extra care with things that aren't ours, not to mention the value of respectful communication. When he walks up to a little boy at school who's upset and hands him a toy saying, "Here, will this make you feel better?" I smile and know that he has learned to take care of other people by watching me do the same.

Sure he throws something when he gets mad sometimes (who knows where he got that one *looks around nonchalantly whistling*), but he also gains composure quickly, talks through the problem and spontaneously apologizes. He may be picking up a few *ahem* less-than-positive things from me, but he's also getting a mountain of valuable tools and traits at the same time. The more I focus on those, the more I will consciously and unconsciously show them.

Day 14: Toddlers Don't Like Diets

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

We all took the homeopathic nosode for candida yesterday and Jackson woke up with the healthiest skin he's had in a year. Yay! But part of the process of banishing the yeast from our bodies is abstaining from all forms of sugar (even fruit) and most carbs, even starchy vegetables. Boo! The "okay to eat" list is not very long. I can personally attest to the fact that this is NO fun, especially when you still have intense cravings for bread and sugar. And I can only imagine how much worse it is when you don't even understand why.

All of a sudden all of Jackson's favorite "green-light foods" (foods that are good for our bodies) are off-limits. This is more than a little confusing, I'm sure. So I'm doing my best to explain...over and over and over and over. Doing this for at least a week could go one of two ways. It could get easier because he'll adapt and stop asking for the things he's missing, or it could get more and more miserable each day as the frustration over not having those things builds. I'm trying hard to assume the best, but I'm prepared for the worst.

I'm using this as an opportunity to be very thankful that my two year old is able to comprehend our explanations, and that he's the kind of person who looks for reasons to be happy, not upset. He's also incredibly flexible, and even capable of watching other people have things he can't without throwing a fit. Sometimes that's a stretch even for adults! I'd like to think this is because he's got superior cognitive skills or because I've given him the right tools to cope with situations like this, but it's probably more likely that he's just an agreeable little person (thank you to Daddy's genetics).

As we head into this week, I'm trying to mentally prepare. When candida dies off and releases toxins, some pretty nasty symptoms can arise: fatigue (check), headache (check), irritability (check), nausea (oh, I hope not), abdominal pain (no, thanks). And that's to say nothing of how crabby I'll be every time I look at a piece of bread or pass a brownie in the bakery aisle!

The goal is to constantly keep in mind that he's struggling as much as I am and to give him room to feel however he needs to feel about this. I am the adult. I am capable of the kind of patience it will take to handle all of this gently and lovingly, without expressing my own frustration. I will focus only on the things that will help us survive this week, and let go of any extras that will add pressure or drain my patience. I will help him find the positives in this, like all the avocado you can eat and something new: "lemonade" (lemon water, but don't tell him!) just like Max and Ruby drink.

The phrases I will latch on to this week: This is only temporary. Life will be back to a better version of normal in a few weeks.

Instead of being bummed about what I can't eat, I will be excited about the healing we're all undertaking and how great life will be when everyone is healthy. Okay...I'm still going to be pretty bummed about what I can't eat. But at least I can add the positive spin, right?

Day 13: The Bright Side of Thrush

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.


We look like a really healthy family. My kids have never been to doctor, have never had an infection, rarely even a cold. They're bright and happy - healthy, right?. But I have a different view of health. Health isn't the absence of illness, it's the body (physical, mental, and emotional) functioning in balance and at its full potential. By my standards we have not been fully healthy.

It all makes so much sense now. To borrow from Oprah (never thought I'd do that), I've had an Aha! moment. Every point of weakened health the boys and I have experienced leads us back to Candida. I believe this is our be-all, end-all.  

I always knew Jack's eczema was a result of not having enough beneficial bacterial flora to pass on to him during his pregnancy and birth, but I never thought about the obvious consequence of that: Candida. I knew that all three of us were sensitive to dairy because of insufficient flora lining the gut (aka leaky gut), but I never thought about the obvious implication: Candida. I knew my mood swings were not normal postpartum feelings (I'm a big-feelings Mom, but this was ridiculous!), but I blamed it on hormones anyway and never thought about the obvious alternative: Candida. I felt literally possessed by the ghost of cookie monster, unable to stop myself form eating any form of sugar in sight, but I never thought beyond my love of food to the obvious: Candida.  I knew the emotional distress I was seeing in Jackson from time to time was not normal for him or any kid - fear, bad dreams, insecurity about us leaving even though we never leave, fear of falling and downward motion - but I missed the glaringly obvious cause: Candida. I knew my boys' gassy bellies were not just "normal" for babies, but I never thought of the obvious: Candida. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.   

Side Note: For those interested in the science (like I am!) here's some explanation: It's always present in the body, and a healthy bacterial flora stays dominant, keeping candida under control. When that balance is thrown off, candida can take over and grow out of control systemically. It causes the gut to leak particles into the bloodstream leading to food sensitivities and disrupting normal digestion causing bloating and gas. It feeds on sugar, so it triggers intense cravings. As it continues to grow, it releases toxins that affect the brain causing a general fog, fatigue, and very specific emotional symptoms. 

I missed all of this and never put the big picture together until one bright red nipple showed up! I looked down the other night and thought, "Huh, that looks like thrush...(wait for it)...Holy Crap! We've all had Candida all along!" All of a sudden the neurons started firing (through the yeast toxins) and one thing after another fell into place. 

If I were to default, I might beat myself up over not recognizing this sooner. I might dwell on the fact that I made an irresponsible, uninformed choice to blindly follow my OB's advice and take an unnecessary, harmful round of antibiotics in my first trimester with Jackson. 

Instead I'm going to make a conscious choice to forgive myself. Jackson's pregnancy was a catalyst for the biggest life change I've ever undertaken. The mistakes I made drove me down a different path, and I am infinitely grateful for that. My values are different, my perspective is different, I'm informed and empowered. And none of that would have been possible without the mistakes along the way. 

We will kick Candida's ass and restore balance to our bodies, but those lessons we learned along the way will stay with us forever. I will choose to focus on that, not on the past or the difficult road we have ahead of us to tackle this.

Day 7: One Great Week

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I'm swamped. In over my head. In the weeds. Whatever you want to call it, there's more that needs to be done in a day than time available to do it. And unless my children miraculously and simultaneously sleep for 24 consecutive hours, there's no possibility I'll catch up anytime soon.

Some days I let it become overwhelming. When I really let it get to me, I want to quit trying, because rather than providing a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, the small dent I make in the long list just leaves me hopeless about how long the rest will take.

Not today. Today I'm going to pat myself on the back for my ability to juggle all my roles and tasks. I'm co-leading a Holistic Moms Network chapter that's growing like crazy. I'm contributing to a La Leche League group that is literally changing lives with mothering and breastfeeding support. I'm editor and contributor for my husband's food and wine website. I just started writing for a local magazine. And that's all on top of my full-time job of managing our household: cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances, shopping, car maintenance, home maintenance, health maintenance, pet care, family and friend relations...Oh yeah, and then there are the two kids who top the list and whose needs I attend to at all times while working on the rest of the list.

I'm not going to be overwhelmed today, and I'm not going to feel discouraged. I'm going to feel proud and satisfied. And every time the negative feelings start to creep back in, I'm going to read this list and congratulate myself for taking excellent care of my family, contributing to my community, and choosing things that matter over a vacuumed rug or organized filing cabinet.

I will choose acceptance over resistance.
Jackson has been nursing a lot lately. This relatively new, and I know it's linked to his eczema, the remedy we last used, and the trauma...er...excitement of the holidays. It will pass and he will return to his nap-and-bed-time-only routine. But in the meantime, I've been struggling with a lot of resistance.

I've said no, tried to distract, limited the length of time, and even felt slightly resentful after saying yes sometimes. I explained that Mommy gets to decide when she shares her milk, just like he gets to decide when he shares his toys (as if there's a comparison between an object and a loving relationship!). As he picked up on the resistance, he became more insistent, probably because what he really needed was for me to openly and lovingly accept where he was at. So I'm doing that now. I nurse him every time he presents the need as soon as I'm able. And all of a sudden, he's fine with waiting when I can't stop what I'm doing. He's more than happy to stop when I need to get up. He's not resisting my needs because I'm not resisting his. Boy does this feel better than trying to make it about "respect" or "boundaries."

I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
The frequent nursing has definitely driven me nuts at times. From the outside looking in, most people would label him clingy or needy right now, but I know better. I see him unabashedly asking to have his needs met, a skill most adults lack. I see him staying in touch with his secure home base as he goes through incredible social, emotional, and language development spurts. I see him feeling overwhelmed, insecure, angry, sad, frustrated, or lonely, and asking for support in a healthy way rather than acting out. I love that he's in tune with his needs and willing to let me to help him.

I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.
We've had a spectacular week. I feel free. Jackson feels free. My husband even noticed and commented on the difference after day 2, before I had even had a chance to talk to him about my new pet project. This in itself is motivation to keep going, to say nothing of the humbling responses from some very wonderful fellow mommies. 

But I'm finding that the format of the blog is requiring too much of my time to possibly keep up with indefinitely. So instead of writing what is essentially four posts in one for every day of the week, I will give myself some grace and list the mantras, affirmations, declarations, or whatever else you want to call them at the top and do a single post. I will forgive myself for being a slow and deliberate writer who is probably too much of a perfectionist to be satisfied with a quick post, and provide myself with conditions that allow for success in all areas of my life.