Day 86: Was that It?

It's been about a week since the last pacifier bit the dust, and all the mayhem I predicted has yet to hit. A couple days with no nap, a few with significantly (and cheerfully) delayed naps, and not a single hiccup at bedtime. That was it.

What an amazing validation of the choice we made to let him outgrow his need rather than forcing him to separate from something we chose to give him for comfort in the first place.

It's almost surreal to think back to the tearful phone call I made to my mom when Jackson was just two weeks old. I was devastated because I had to give him the dreaded pacifier. I was supposed to be his comfort, not some cold piece of silicone. But with my outrageous oversupply problem giving him a painfully gassy tummy, I had no choice but to offer him comfort somewhere else - in my arms, but not at my breast. It was heartbreaking.

Six months later I had gotten over the feeling of failure that came every time I popped the paci in his mouth and my milk supply had finally evened out. But by that time he was so used to it - and so was I - that taking it away didn't seem right. I knew he was attached enough that it would be a struggle, and one not worth fighting (although talk to me again in 10 years when I'm paying his orthodontist). So we ended up letting him lead the way.

If I'm honest, I'm just glad it didn't take another two years! For a while I thought maybe he'd be taking it to college with him. But I'm so glad we respected his need while it lasted and have been able to give him what little support he needed through the incredibly smooth transition that came when he outgrew it.

And despite what I'm sure my family must think, weaning from the breast will happen before college too. Seeing how easily and painlessly we were able to walk through it with the pacifier only makes me more confident that child-led weaning is the right choice.

He will outgrow the need to nurse someday, and when he does I'll be sad and proud all at the same time. Sad that such a special part of our relationship will have come to an end, but proud that I respected and met his needs so completely for so long and proud that he will have grown confident enough in our relationship and himself to venture out into the world without needing the security of nursing. But hopefully we won't cross that bridge for quite a while.

Day 79: Brotherly Love

When Max was born, Jackson's interest in nursing was at an all time low. Nap, bedtime, and don't bother me in between, Mom. So I never really had a reason to get the hang of tandem nursing. We tried a time or two, but when things didn't fall easily into place, we just ended up taking turns. Until this week.

We got home later than expected. Max was tired and fussy, and Jackson was expecting to nurse like he usually does before lunch and nap. As I found myself trying to decide which one needed me more, it dawned on me: Wait a minute! Two boys, two "milks" (as Jack likes to call them)...it's not rocket science. So we wriggled and squirmed our way around until everyone was comfortable and there was silence, beautiful silence.

The silence alone would've been enough of a reward for me, but it got better. I got a front seat to this: the boys gazed at each other, Jack gave Max gentle touches and Max reciprocated before unlatching to give his big brother a huge, milky grin. Then they held hands! If that doesn't melt your heart, nothing will.

It was such an awesome experience that Jackson has continued to ask to nurse with Max over the past few days and we're finally getting this tandem nursing thing figured out. I only wish I had done it sooner so we all could've enjoyed this kind of closeness from the start. And I'll be honest, I could've really used the moments peace and quiet a little sooner!

But better late than never. And I'm sure we have lots of time ahead of us to make up for it. I'm so thankful for the breastfeeding relationship I have with each of them and now that the three of us will have together. It's hard to say what the future holds, but if the present is any indication of how close they'll be as they grow up, I'm very excited to witness the evolution of their loving relationship and the genuine friendship that will come from it.

Day 36: This is Why you Nurse a Toddler

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

In the last 48 hours Jackson has eaten three almonds, a few bites of a green pepper, a sliver of pear, and half a cup of applesauce. I probably should have known something was up when he took a four and a half hour nap on Saturday, but it wasn't until he refused two meals in a row that I started to wonder what was up. Then his body started *ahem* cleaning itself out and it was clear that this was just part of his candida detox process. 

A prematurely weaned child would be lethargic after two days without food, probably dehydrated. But my mama's milk-loving little boy is running around, chatting away and turning sneakers into glass slippers like there's nothing wrong. Our only hiccup is the emotional piece that comes with the detox, but hey, mama's milk takes care of that too!

It's no fun going through this stuff, and I certainly could do without all the poo I've been cleaning off sheets and clothes. But what a small price to pay for the healing he's experiencing! We're seeing layer after layer of dry, scaly skin fall away to be replaced by soft, eczema-free skin. And as the detox intensifies, so does the healing. I'm learning so much more about nutrition and balance through this process, and I'm much better prepared to promote health for our whole family because of that. 

This also gives me a chance to reflect on how proud I am that I didn't (and don't) let anyone or anything sabotage our nursing relationship. And how thankful I am for the supportive, intelligent group of women (online and in real life!) who have accompanied me on this journey. Who knew so much positivity could come out of candida and eczema.

Day 32: I'm on to You

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

Simply put, I've been stooping to manipulation lately. Like anything else, it crept in slowly under the guise of something positive and went unnoticed until finally I reflected on some of our interactions and thought, "Did I just say that? How'd we get here?" 

My goal is always to avoid arbitrary punishment that uses fear and emotional pain to control behavior in favor of allowing natural consequences that teach self-regulation. Following this, most of our discipline-related communication is structured in an "if, then" way: "If you choose to take CDs out of the cases, then I have to put them away to keep them from breaking." Or "If you choose to get up out of your chair at dinner, then you have to sit at the big table instead of your little table to help you keep your body still."

But "if, then" began to morph into manipulation, eventually verging on arbitrary punishment: "If you don't get your jacket on now, we can't bring our library books home." Okay, not so bad. It's kind of true that we might run out of time to check out books, but I was definitely grasping at a way to make him do what I wanted. "If you don't eat your supper, then we'll go straight to bedtime." Yes, it's the next thing in the sequence of our day, but does not spending that time eating mean he forfeits all pre-bed time? After all, he doesn't have to go straight to bed the nights that he finishes his supper early. "If you're too full to eat supper, you're too full to nurse at bedtime." This one pains me. I never wanted to taint our nursing relationship by making it a bargaining chip, but somehow I let it happen. And the fact that I made nursing about the milk, the very least important aspect of it, is very disappointing. Hopefully he won't take that message to heart. "If you rest your body for 10 more minutes, then you can watch Lady and the Tramp when you wake up." Alright, I've outed myself. There's officially no connection between nap and DVD. I was dangling a carrot out in front of the mule with this one to buy myself a few more minutes to get some work done. The best part is that it backfired on me because he chose not to rest his body, which meant no DVD and less time for me to work!

It wasn't long before he caught on to me; partly because he's such a bright kid and partly because the way I was presenting it, especially the resistant energy I was projecting (choose this or else!), gave me away. He called me out by refusing to be manipulated, choosing to forgo the thing he wanted just to make a point.

Making a child into a puppet seems appealing in the short term. Whose life wouldn't be easier with a child that does as told when told. But parents only get to be behind those strings for so long; eventually someone else, someone you don't get to choose, becomes the puppeteer, and the results are almost always disastrous. I love that he has a strong will and resists my attempts at control. This is an important guiding post for me, and it's going to be such a valuable trait in his future, one that I don't want to take away from him to make my life more convenient in the present.

 The amount of time required to parent in a positive way is overwhelming. The energy required to stay present with all  our interactions is exhausting. And gratification is almost always delayed, sometimes for years. This means that losing focus, sidestepping, and even heading off course are going to happen. But the road to a healthy relationship and an emotionally healthy child is always right where I left it. There's always an opportunity to learn from these experiences and get back on course.

Day 21: Attached or Trapped

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

I was away from Max last night for about two hours and he was not all too happy with me when I got back. He wouldn't allow me to be more than two feet from him the rest of the night. He refused to go down by himself, so he had to stay up until I went to bed, and he woke more frequently, even complained a little in the night, which he never does. His world had clearly been shaken by my absence. 

The thought of how seriously he responded to such a minor separation started to become a little overwhelming. My negative side started to feel trapped by this. Will I ever get to go on a date with my husband again? Will I ever meet up with friends without a baby on board? How can I ever leave if I know it upsets him so much?

I was very conscious about creating a secure attachment with Maxwell. He was in my arms almost his entire first three days. In five months, he's never had a bottle, and I don't intend for that to change. Every feeding of his life has been with me. Every nap and every bed time has been with me. As he grows, those things will change, but for now this is the life I've chosen and I wouldn't go back and do it any differently. 

I'm so glad he and I are this in sync. Mothers and babies were designed to be as one until baby grows ready to venture out, and I'm proud of myself for respecting that biologically predetermined need in my children. I know that investing in this attachment now means I'll have a very self-assured and independent boy in the future. And I know that it's temporary. The sacrifices I make to foster this attachment are minuscule in comparison to the joy I get from seeing him health, happy and secure. 

Slowly non-baby outings will increase and he'll have the opportunity to learn that when I go, his needs are still met (albeit in a different way by a different person) and that I always come back. I will work on finding a balance between protecting our attachment and allowing him certain growing experiences, and we will get there. But for the time being, instead of trapped, I choose to feel honored to be loved and needed so intensely.

Day 13: The Bright Side of Thrush

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.


We look like a really healthy family. My kids have never been to doctor, have never had an infection, rarely even a cold. They're bright and happy - healthy, right?. But I have a different view of health. Health isn't the absence of illness, it's the body (physical, mental, and emotional) functioning in balance and at its full potential. By my standards we have not been fully healthy.

It all makes so much sense now. To borrow from Oprah (never thought I'd do that), I've had an Aha! moment. Every point of weakened health the boys and I have experienced leads us back to Candida. I believe this is our be-all, end-all.  

I always knew Jack's eczema was a result of not having enough beneficial bacterial flora to pass on to him during his pregnancy and birth, but I never thought about the obvious consequence of that: Candida. I knew that all three of us were sensitive to dairy because of insufficient flora lining the gut (aka leaky gut), but I never thought about the obvious implication: Candida. I knew my mood swings were not normal postpartum feelings (I'm a big-feelings Mom, but this was ridiculous!), but I blamed it on hormones anyway and never thought about the obvious alternative: Candida. I felt literally possessed by the ghost of cookie monster, unable to stop myself form eating any form of sugar in sight, but I never thought beyond my love of food to the obvious: Candida.  I knew the emotional distress I was seeing in Jackson from time to time was not normal for him or any kid - fear, bad dreams, insecurity about us leaving even though we never leave, fear of falling and downward motion - but I missed the glaringly obvious cause: Candida. I knew my boys' gassy bellies were not just "normal" for babies, but I never thought of the obvious: Candida. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.   

Side Note: For those interested in the science (like I am!) here's some explanation: It's always present in the body, and a healthy bacterial flora stays dominant, keeping candida under control. When that balance is thrown off, candida can take over and grow out of control systemically. It causes the gut to leak particles into the bloodstream leading to food sensitivities and disrupting normal digestion causing bloating and gas. It feeds on sugar, so it triggers intense cravings. As it continues to grow, it releases toxins that affect the brain causing a general fog, fatigue, and very specific emotional symptoms. 

I missed all of this and never put the big picture together until one bright red nipple showed up! I looked down the other night and thought, "Huh, that looks like thrush...(wait for it)...Holy Crap! We've all had Candida all along!" All of a sudden the neurons started firing (through the yeast toxins) and one thing after another fell into place. 

If I were to default, I might beat myself up over not recognizing this sooner. I might dwell on the fact that I made an irresponsible, uninformed choice to blindly follow my OB's advice and take an unnecessary, harmful round of antibiotics in my first trimester with Jackson. 

Instead I'm going to make a conscious choice to forgive myself. Jackson's pregnancy was a catalyst for the biggest life change I've ever undertaken. The mistakes I made drove me down a different path, and I am infinitely grateful for that. My values are different, my perspective is different, I'm informed and empowered. And none of that would have been possible without the mistakes along the way. 

We will kick Candida's ass and restore balance to our bodies, but those lessons we learned along the way will stay with us forever. I will choose to focus on that, not on the past or the difficult road we have ahead of us to tackle this.

Day 7: One Great Week

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I'm swamped. In over my head. In the weeds. Whatever you want to call it, there's more that needs to be done in a day than time available to do it. And unless my children miraculously and simultaneously sleep for 24 consecutive hours, there's no possibility I'll catch up anytime soon.

Some days I let it become overwhelming. When I really let it get to me, I want to quit trying, because rather than providing a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, the small dent I make in the long list just leaves me hopeless about how long the rest will take.

Not today. Today I'm going to pat myself on the back for my ability to juggle all my roles and tasks. I'm co-leading a Holistic Moms Network chapter that's growing like crazy. I'm contributing to a La Leche League group that is literally changing lives with mothering and breastfeeding support. I'm editor and contributor for my husband's food and wine website. I just started writing for a local magazine. And that's all on top of my full-time job of managing our household: cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances, shopping, car maintenance, home maintenance, health maintenance, pet care, family and friend relations...Oh yeah, and then there are the two kids who top the list and whose needs I attend to at all times while working on the rest of the list.

I'm not going to be overwhelmed today, and I'm not going to feel discouraged. I'm going to feel proud and satisfied. And every time the negative feelings start to creep back in, I'm going to read this list and congratulate myself for taking excellent care of my family, contributing to my community, and choosing things that matter over a vacuumed rug or organized filing cabinet.

I will choose acceptance over resistance.
Jackson has been nursing a lot lately. This relatively new, and I know it's linked to his eczema, the remedy we last used, and the trauma...er...excitement of the holidays. It will pass and he will return to his nap-and-bed-time-only routine. But in the meantime, I've been struggling with a lot of resistance.

I've said no, tried to distract, limited the length of time, and even felt slightly resentful after saying yes sometimes. I explained that Mommy gets to decide when she shares her milk, just like he gets to decide when he shares his toys (as if there's a comparison between an object and a loving relationship!). As he picked up on the resistance, he became more insistent, probably because what he really needed was for me to openly and lovingly accept where he was at. So I'm doing that now. I nurse him every time he presents the need as soon as I'm able. And all of a sudden, he's fine with waiting when I can't stop what I'm doing. He's more than happy to stop when I need to get up. He's not resisting my needs because I'm not resisting his. Boy does this feel better than trying to make it about "respect" or "boundaries."

I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
The frequent nursing has definitely driven me nuts at times. From the outside looking in, most people would label him clingy or needy right now, but I know better. I see him unabashedly asking to have his needs met, a skill most adults lack. I see him staying in touch with his secure home base as he goes through incredible social, emotional, and language development spurts. I see him feeling overwhelmed, insecure, angry, sad, frustrated, or lonely, and asking for support in a healthy way rather than acting out. I love that he's in tune with his needs and willing to let me to help him.

I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.
We've had a spectacular week. I feel free. Jackson feels free. My husband even noticed and commented on the difference after day 2, before I had even had a chance to talk to him about my new pet project. This in itself is motivation to keep going, to say nothing of the humbling responses from some very wonderful fellow mommies. 

But I'm finding that the format of the blog is requiring too much of my time to possibly keep up with indefinitely. So instead of writing what is essentially four posts in one for every day of the week, I will give myself some grace and list the mantras, affirmations, declarations, or whatever else you want to call them at the top and do a single post. I will forgive myself for being a slow and deliberate writer who is probably too much of a perfectionist to be satisfied with a quick post, and provide myself with conditions that allow for success in all areas of my life.

Day 3: Teaching Each Other, Teaching Ourselves

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I was pissed. The house was a mess, Max was struggling to fall asleep, it was already 1:30pm (waaaaay too late to just be starting nap time), and I had a to-do list hanging over my head that I knew wasn't going to be touched. I was experience internal chaos, and it pissed me off. I could tell that Jack was picking up on it as I was helping him into his comfy pants for his nap (because he picks up on everything), so I said, "Jackson, I'm feeling really really frustrated right now." He looked at me thoughtfully, raised his hand to touch me, and in the sweetest voice you've ever heard half-whispered, "Calm. Calm. Calm. Calm." as he gently stroked my hair. Just like that, the chaos was replaced by utter contentment and peace. And that change in my energy was met with, "Mommy feels better now."

My inability to cope with life at that moment gave Jackson an opportunity to practice a really valuable skill. He got to see that, at only two years old, he is able to make a big difference in his world and mine. I got to see that when I model these tools to him it matters, really matters. It was a great reminder that, even though I sometimes model negative reactions, it does not erase all the positive things I give him.

I will choose acceptance over resistance.
Jackson ran away from me at the grocery store. This has never happened before because he's always been in the cart. But today we took the fancy cart with the car on front for him to drive. The car he can get in and out of at will. I did my best to assume things would go well, but if I'm honest, I pictured him having a tough time staying in the whole time since we had a pretty long list. So when we rounded the corner past Mr. Cow, he jumped out, looked at me with sheer glee, and ran.

I had a choice to make. I could be the mom running down the aisle after him yelling, but Max was in the sling and Jack would probably out run me. I could be the mom who walks away to scare him into coming back, which would scar my sensitive little boy for life. Or I could be the mom who waits patiently until he's ready to come back on his own, which makes me feel "permissive" even though I know better.

So I stood there and waited with a smile on my face. I took in the sweet laughter. I watched him run to the end of the aisle and gaze into the ice cream freezer to see the pretty colors, having no idea he was looking at mommy's nemesis. I watched him turn to see if I was reacting, then sit down with a huge smile on his face and talk to himself happily. Then I watched the smile disappear as he looked to his right at what I can only imagine to be a rather large man who was smiling at him just out of my line of sight. Then I heard that wonderful word, "Mommy!" He said it again as he ran back to me, much faster than he had run away.

If I had resisted this behavior, I would have cheated him out of that valuable lesson he learned all on his own. They say what we resist persists, and indeed, if I had cheated him out of that lesson, I dare say running the aisles would become our grocery store routine. He needed freedom and room to figure out that the behavior I wanted to see in him, staying in the car with me, was also the behavior that made him feel safe and happy. I'm so proud that I gave that to him this time, because there are so many times I don't. I guess we both learned a lesson.

I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive 
me nuts.
Jackson keeps putting his hand, food, utensils, and anything else he can reach, in his water glass at meal time. I can't stand it. Cups are for drinking and any other creative use of them just isn't right. Oh, wait. Did I say creative? That's right. He's using his imagination, exploring his world, finding out how things work. Duh, Mom. Get over it!

I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.
Jackson has a great routine. He knows what to expect in his day and roughly when and how, and it gives him security so he can learn and grow. Max is not so lucky. I feel like I'm cheating him out of this because our life doesn't allow for three consistent naps and a consistent bed time. In fact, life isn't even allowing for any kind of sleeping routine like reading before he goes down, because the window to get him down is so small we just have to get to it. But he's happy, he's learning, and he's growing. It's not a coincidence. It's because of all the other constants - breastfeeding, bedsharing, ECing, interacting - that provide security just the same. I can let myself off the hook for this one. Someday when we aren't juggling as many naps, we will start a routine. It's never too late. And he won't be illiterate if I don't read to him four times a day before he sleeps.