Day 59: Yesterday's Explosion

This is a scary title on a parenting blog.

Right now you're thinking back to the time your child managed to mimic a toy chest explosion, spewing each and every item onto the floor. Or you're remembering a time when you or your child exploded in rage, grief or joy. Maybe it's conjuring up images of your child sick with the flu...enough said.

I can identify with those explosions, but the kind we experienced yesterday was of a different, much less messy kind. Jackson and I repeated two doses of the homeopathic Candida nosode. And like we often see with remedies, he went through a developmental explosion.

He's been interested in spelling since his second birthday, and in the past few weeks, he's taken a mild interest in the letter sounds. We read books about the "v" sound and others and about word building, and while he really enjoyed the books (in other words made me read them over and over), that was as far as it went.

The day he took the remedy, he came up with his first spontaneous use of a letter sound, "V. Vuh. Vere you go Daddy!" And while he wasn't quite right, it was clear the concept of how the letter, the sound and the word related had suddenly come alive to him. The fascinating thing was that we hadn't read any of those books in days.

Then last night, while I was working and paying much less attention to him than he or I wanted, he climbed up next to me on the couch and started looking at his letter puzzle. All of a sudden he was grabbing letters, most we'd never read a book or talked about, and relating their sounds to words. "S. Ssssss. Song! W. Wuh. Wow! M. Muh. Mouse!" And he kept it up all night long.

Little Scholar

This was also the first week in our parent-child class that he has chosen to do actions with the group during our singing circle time - usually he'll do them at home when it's the two of us singing, but just watch when we're at school.

Also new with this remedy are unprompted "I love yous" and "I missed yous" and tons of out-of-the-blue compliments: "Mommy, I like you just the way you are" (If that doesn't make your heart melt...!).

Of course you take the good with the bad, because an intensification of symptoms always precedes the healing. He's been dealing with fear of having things taken from him, wanting to nurse more often, struggling to respond rather than react (explode, if you will), and feeling overwhelmed and out of control for no (or little) apparent reason.

But it's beautiful to see these amazing developments come through all that chaos and to watch his body do what it was designed to do: move toward physical and emotional balance.

When we started this journey with eczema, what I wanted for him was physical healing - as fast as possible. Now that I see how this transformational process is affecting him inside as much as out, I welcome the long road. No quick fix would be worth sacrificing the whole mind and body healing he's experiencing.

Sometimes the long road seems...well, long. But it's like choosing between the freeway and the scenic route: Both can get you to the same destination, but taking the scenic route and enjoying the view means arriving calm, renewed, and with a fresh, broadened perspective instead of hurried, distracted, and with the same tunnel vision you started with.

Day 38: Intuition

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

Our Holistic Moms Network meeting last night was on "food as medicine." Having done loads of nutritional research, especially in the past few weeks, I didn't expect anything to rock my world, but I ended up walking away with something really significant. She talked about bioindividuality - the concept that no one diet works for every human body - and touched on allowing the body to guide you to what it needs. She went on to explain how that intuition isn't accessible when we're in a toxic state from eating processed foods, pesticides, hormones, and everything else that comes along with the Western Diet. I can identify with this so powerfully right now as the detox diet is slowly changing my dietary intuition.

I'm a person to which moderation does not come naturally or easily - in anything. When I'm in, I'm all in. This intensity brings so many positive things to my life. Most relevant to this project, it allows me to love my children so fiercely that I'm willing to fight through the ways that same intensity can damage them. Most relevant to the topic of nutrition, it means that food has been a battleground my whole life.

I believe so completely in the healing power of real food, and most days that knowledge is what guides my food choices. But when I fall prey to the enticing false promise of satisfaction from harmful food-like products, I go overboard. Way overboard. The only time I've felt my body's intuition guiding me toward healthful choices was during my pregnancy with Max, which also, not coincidentally, was a time I felt more energetic, healthy, and peaceful than ever before. 

Looking back, I now know that this is because this longstanding candida overgrowth coupled with the toxicity that results from overindulgence in moments of weakness has smothered that intuition for over a decade. As I detox, I feel it returning. Instead of feeling satisfied by "fake" foods, I feel physically sick when I make a poor choice. Instead of shoveling too much in with no signal to stop or repercussion when I don't, I feel full and even ill when I surpass full. It's only a matter of time before that intuition is fully restored to the point that non-foods are no longer appealing. What a welcome change that will be!

All of this got me thinking about emotional toxicity and mothering intuition. I think the parallel is strong. Emotional toxicity can come from unhealthy relationships, damage from early life experiences, insufficient coping skills, overbearing advice from family and friends, and any number of other sources. We all carry some toxicity, but when we become overloaded, it clouds out our intuition. The feelings - in both body and mind - that are intended to guide us through life and relationships are replaced with externally prescribed shoulds, and can'ts or simply confusion.

The danger is that shoulds and can'ts, like food-like products, can look appealing even though they're damaging. And the more we internalize them, the more they crowd out intuition. As we detox by refusing to engage in toxic relationships or listen to toxic advice, by finding ways to heal ourselves, our mothering intuition returns. Eventually the wrong choices will simply feel wrong, maybe even make us feel sick, and clarity will replace confusion.

So I've decided to engage in a full body and mind detox. As I get more in touch with my body's intuition, I'll work on connecting more fully with my mothering intuition. Together these things will bring me closer to the kind of energy, health and peace I want to experience and be for myself and my family.

Day 36: This is Why you Nurse a Toddler

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

In the last 48 hours Jackson has eaten three almonds, a few bites of a green pepper, a sliver of pear, and half a cup of applesauce. I probably should have known something was up when he took a four and a half hour nap on Saturday, but it wasn't until he refused two meals in a row that I started to wonder what was up. Then his body started *ahem* cleaning itself out and it was clear that this was just part of his candida detox process. 

A prematurely weaned child would be lethargic after two days without food, probably dehydrated. But my mama's milk-loving little boy is running around, chatting away and turning sneakers into glass slippers like there's nothing wrong. Our only hiccup is the emotional piece that comes with the detox, but hey, mama's milk takes care of that too!

It's no fun going through this stuff, and I certainly could do without all the poo I've been cleaning off sheets and clothes. But what a small price to pay for the healing he's experiencing! We're seeing layer after layer of dry, scaly skin fall away to be replaced by soft, eczema-free skin. And as the detox intensifies, so does the healing. I'm learning so much more about nutrition and balance through this process, and I'm much better prepared to promote health for our whole family because of that. 

This also gives me a chance to reflect on how proud I am that I didn't (and don't) let anyone or anything sabotage our nursing relationship. And how thankful I am for the supportive, intelligent group of women (online and in real life!) who have accompanied me on this journey. Who knew so much positivity could come out of candida and eczema.

Day 35: Sad Feelings

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

Jackson has spent the past few days going through what I think is an another intense round of detox: Waking up sweating, not wanting to eat, drinking tons of water, asking to nurse a lot, and feeling sad for no apparent reason. Obviously this means my usually independent boy who has been known to entertain himself with empty vinegar and yogurt containers for hours is needing much more of my attention. 

My default reaction is to overlook the big picture and resist this; to expect from him what I know he's capable of on other days. I try setting up activities and moving on to my own things, only to find him at my side moments later needing me. I try putting off the things he says he needs, "We'll do that as soon as I finish this." Finally he realizes that his thick-headed mom isn't getting it, so he gives it to me in simpler terms: "Mommy, I need you to help me with my big feelings. I feel sad and I need affection."

 The bills can wait, the work can wait, the cleaning can wait. My opportunity to be this important to him and to be capable of meeting his needs so simply, with just my presence, is fleeting. Soon, he won't need my help with his big feelings. Not long from now the solution will be much more complicated and I may not be able to make those sad feelings go away at all. Someday he might not even share his big feelings with me; there will be someone else who has taken my place. 

I want to cherish these moments of dependence, not resist them. If I don't, I'll be the one with sad feelings looking back on how I squandered opportunities to love him exactly as he needed to be loved. I'm thankful for his body's incredible ability to self-heal, even if sad feelings are part of the process. I'm thankful that he communicates his feelings so openly and insistently that I don't get to let them go unnoticed. I'm thankful that what he needs more than anything in the world is me, because "me" is the only thing I can really give him. Sad feelings will come and go, but how I respond to them will shape our relationship forever.

Day 14: Toddlers Don't Like Diets

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

We all took the homeopathic nosode for candida yesterday and Jackson woke up with the healthiest skin he's had in a year. Yay! But part of the process of banishing the yeast from our bodies is abstaining from all forms of sugar (even fruit) and most carbs, even starchy vegetables. Boo! The "okay to eat" list is not very long. I can personally attest to the fact that this is NO fun, especially when you still have intense cravings for bread and sugar. And I can only imagine how much worse it is when you don't even understand why.

All of a sudden all of Jackson's favorite "green-light foods" (foods that are good for our bodies) are off-limits. This is more than a little confusing, I'm sure. So I'm doing my best to explain...over and over and over and over. Doing this for at least a week could go one of two ways. It could get easier because he'll adapt and stop asking for the things he's missing, or it could get more and more miserable each day as the frustration over not having those things builds. I'm trying hard to assume the best, but I'm prepared for the worst.

I'm using this as an opportunity to be very thankful that my two year old is able to comprehend our explanations, and that he's the kind of person who looks for reasons to be happy, not upset. He's also incredibly flexible, and even capable of watching other people have things he can't without throwing a fit. Sometimes that's a stretch even for adults! I'd like to think this is because he's got superior cognitive skills or because I've given him the right tools to cope with situations like this, but it's probably more likely that he's just an agreeable little person (thank you to Daddy's genetics).

As we head into this week, I'm trying to mentally prepare. When candida dies off and releases toxins, some pretty nasty symptoms can arise: fatigue (check), headache (check), irritability (check), nausea (oh, I hope not), abdominal pain (no, thanks). And that's to say nothing of how crabby I'll be every time I look at a piece of bread or pass a brownie in the bakery aisle!

The goal is to constantly keep in mind that he's struggling as much as I am and to give him room to feel however he needs to feel about this. I am the adult. I am capable of the kind of patience it will take to handle all of this gently and lovingly, without expressing my own frustration. I will focus only on the things that will help us survive this week, and let go of any extras that will add pressure or drain my patience. I will help him find the positives in this, like all the avocado you can eat and something new: "lemonade" (lemon water, but don't tell him!) just like Max and Ruby drink.

The phrases I will latch on to this week: This is only temporary. Life will be back to a better version of normal in a few weeks.

Instead of being bummed about what I can't eat, I will be excited about the healing we're all undertaking and how great life will be when everyone is healthy. Okay...I'm still going to be pretty bummed about what I can't eat. But at least I can add the positive spin, right?

Day 13: The Bright Side of Thrush

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.


We look like a really healthy family. My kids have never been to doctor, have never had an infection, rarely even a cold. They're bright and happy - healthy, right?. But I have a different view of health. Health isn't the absence of illness, it's the body (physical, mental, and emotional) functioning in balance and at its full potential. By my standards we have not been fully healthy.

It all makes so much sense now. To borrow from Oprah (never thought I'd do that), I've had an Aha! moment. Every point of weakened health the boys and I have experienced leads us back to Candida. I believe this is our be-all, end-all.  

I always knew Jack's eczema was a result of not having enough beneficial bacterial flora to pass on to him during his pregnancy and birth, but I never thought about the obvious consequence of that: Candida. I knew that all three of us were sensitive to dairy because of insufficient flora lining the gut (aka leaky gut), but I never thought about the obvious implication: Candida. I knew my mood swings were not normal postpartum feelings (I'm a big-feelings Mom, but this was ridiculous!), but I blamed it on hormones anyway and never thought about the obvious alternative: Candida. I felt literally possessed by the ghost of cookie monster, unable to stop myself form eating any form of sugar in sight, but I never thought beyond my love of food to the obvious: Candida.  I knew the emotional distress I was seeing in Jackson from time to time was not normal for him or any kid - fear, bad dreams, insecurity about us leaving even though we never leave, fear of falling and downward motion - but I missed the glaringly obvious cause: Candida. I knew my boys' gassy bellies were not just "normal" for babies, but I never thought of the obvious: Candida. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.   

Side Note: For those interested in the science (like I am!) here's some explanation: It's always present in the body, and a healthy bacterial flora stays dominant, keeping candida under control. When that balance is thrown off, candida can take over and grow out of control systemically. It causes the gut to leak particles into the bloodstream leading to food sensitivities and disrupting normal digestion causing bloating and gas. It feeds on sugar, so it triggers intense cravings. As it continues to grow, it releases toxins that affect the brain causing a general fog, fatigue, and very specific emotional symptoms. 

I missed all of this and never put the big picture together until one bright red nipple showed up! I looked down the other night and thought, "Huh, that looks like thrush...(wait for it)...Holy Crap! We've all had Candida all along!" All of a sudden the neurons started firing (through the yeast toxins) and one thing after another fell into place. 

If I were to default, I might beat myself up over not recognizing this sooner. I might dwell on the fact that I made an irresponsible, uninformed choice to blindly follow my OB's advice and take an unnecessary, harmful round of antibiotics in my first trimester with Jackson. 

Instead I'm going to make a conscious choice to forgive myself. Jackson's pregnancy was a catalyst for the biggest life change I've ever undertaken. The mistakes I made drove me down a different path, and I am infinitely grateful for that. My values are different, my perspective is different, I'm informed and empowered. And none of that would have been possible without the mistakes along the way. 

We will kick Candida's ass and restore balance to our bodies, but those lessons we learned along the way will stay with us forever. I will choose to focus on that, not on the past or the difficult road we have ahead of us to tackle this.

Day 4: Really Seeing, Really Hearing

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
Jackson has struggled with eczema since the first months of his life. We resisted the urge to treat the symptom, and instead took him to a homeopath to address the underlying issue. Doing this is an exercise in patience and faith because there's rarely immediate relief, and sometimes even a worsening before improvement. But in the big picture, we do see significant healing, inside and out.

Researching is like a drug for me (I like to have all the answers, you know!), so like I always do before any decisions are made in our home, I dove into homeopathy head first. I emerged with a greater understanding of mind/body connectedness and just how incredibly important it is to health and happiness. It was one more step out of the tiny little box I grew up in, one more stretch of my world view to include the vast and meaningful branch of life that can be labeled "unseen."

Although unseen is somewhat of a misnomer, because the evidence will smack you right in the face if you're willing to see it. I've watched as three tiny little white pellets containing nothing but the energetic form of a substance have not only slowly healed his skin, but erased a fear of water overnight, brought a surge of creativity and artistic capabilities overnight, prompted a rush of correctly used pronouns and perfectly composed sentences overnight. His healing continues as I continue to open my eyes further to the amazing unseen world that God created and so many of us are missing out on.

This journey has also allowed me to understand Jackson on a deeper level than I otherwise could have. As I see the world differently, I'm able see him differently. I can see through the behavior of the moment to who he really is and how he's experiencing his world. Because of that I can know that what looks as straightforward as an episode of hyperactivity is actually deep seated unrest that he's experiencing in both his body and mind. I can see that he's as disturbed by it as I am, and that deep down he's longing for peace in that moment as much as I am. What a gift that has been for our relationship.

So thank you, eczema, for all the growth you've stimulated in us. I think your work here is done now. But then again, the farther down we get on Eczema Avenue, the more we keep learning, so I suppose I can be patient a bit longer.

I will choose acceptance over resistance.
We saw a phenomenal woman who does electrodermal screening. She validated everything we're doing for Jackson's eczema (fish oil, vitamin D, probiotics, digestive enzymes) and confirmed my suspicions of a casein sensitivity and mild candida growth. She also validated my understanding of, relationship with, and choices for Jackson, but we'll save that for another day.

So now I have the cold hard facts and I really do have to rid myself of all dairy for at least four weeks. I have been fervently resisting this for four months. I "thought" dairy was contributing to Jackson's eczema and Max's reflux and gas, but in reality I knew. I was giving in to doubt because I didn't want to make the change that I know is best for all of us. But it's haaaaaarrrrrd. *sniff* Okay, whining over and time to accept. I can do this. I will do this. And when I do, we will all reap the benefits, so why resist! I shall think of it as trading cheese for more sleep and a more peaceful house.

I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive 
me nuts.
Max was given a gloworm for Christmas, which Jackson quickly claimed as his Baby Jesus. He loves to have Baby Jesus light up and sing to him as he "wraps him in cloth and lies him in the manger." The manger has been any number of places: the couch, a large stuffed animal, the rhinoceros ottoman, his bed.

Silly me, I didn't check the bed for Baby Jesus before putting Jackson down for his nap, and thus was treated to an hour long narrative of the adventures of Baby Jesus over the monitor. As I practiced acceptance instead of annoyance (yeah, me!) it finally became clear that he was not going to fall asleep until Baby Jesus ventured elsewhere. I walked in to find the pillow removed form its pillowcase, propped up on the railing and draped with his blanket to make "Rosie's wheelbarrow for Baby Jesus."

Default is to be irritated that he wasn't sleeping at nap time, but the better me says: I love that he can play so creatively and for so long with nothing but a gloworm. I love that he remembers and acts out things we read about. I love that he was content to let Baby Jesus sleep in the rocking chair while he took his nap with no negotiation or complaining. And I love that I got to listen to the sweet sound of his voice while I worked.

I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day. 
Jackson reads books in the car, and often rather than reading the story as is, he'll create his own scenarios to go with the pictures. He didn't want to leave the house this morning, but we had a schedule and I couldn't give him a choice. I didn't know it was a big deal until he found himself on a page with a Mommy Bunny and a Little Bunny, and this followed: "What's wrong Little Bunny? You're feeling sad? If you're feeling sad you can always come to Mommy Bunny. Mommy Bunny will always listen. What can we do about your sad feelings Little Bunny? Mommy Bunny will help you."

This opened up an opportunity to talk about the fact that he was sad because he wanted to stay home and pretend to cook in his kitchen, something I hadn't bothered to explore in the hurry to get out of the house. We also found out that being able to bring along one of his cooking tools would have helped him feel better about leaving. I didn't tune in and do what he needed me to do before we left. But I did take the open door he gave me to make it better for next time.