Day 16: At Least I Showered

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

When showering is your moral victory for the day, you can pretty much bet it was a tough one! Although to be fair I did also concoct a candida-diet-friendly "sushi" roll with nori, brown rice, olive oil, avocado, raw garlic, and lots of cayenne. Yum! 

I woke up feeling weak, shaky and feverish. Jackson was his usual self. He paid money to Mr. Coyote while I rested in between reading books to him. But fast forward a couple hours and all of a sudden it's mayhem! The diet is proving to be a little too much for Jackson. He's coping beautifully with the restriction, but his body isn't coping well with the load of toxins being released. Time to back off a little, I think.

He spent almost two hours crying, nursing, crying some more, eating some almonds, crying again, drinking some "lemonade", and of course crying...He just kept saying he was sad, but he didn't know what he was sad about. It was heartbreaking, and if I'm honest, really irritating. It's not just the grating sound of his cries that gets to me or the fact that it sends a chaotic feeling through the every part of my body. It's that every cry is like a reminder that I'm failing. I can't get myself past the insane idea that success is a happy kid. 

No one can be happy all the time, but somehow Jackson was for most of his first two years. When Max came around, life changed for both of us. I couldn't meet his needs all day every day anymore, and I didn't take the time or dig deep enough for the patience and energy to continue parenting him consistently the way I was, with loving communication dominating our day. Add to that the emotional explosion that happens in a tiny brain that turns two and you have a recipe for some upheaval.

No matter how many times I tell myself it's crazy, I still operate under the premise that I can and should create an ideal world for my children, one in which there are only rainbows, butterflies, and smiles. It's unrealistic and self-defeating. And even if I could accomplish this, it would be harmful, not helpful for their development! So every time someone is less than cheerful, I take it personally. No pressure, kids! And the worst part is that the feelings of failure and frustration crowd out the compassion and understanding that would actually bring them back to peace and contentment faster. You can see why I call it crazy.  

So today we'll have a pear, maybe even a date or two, and trudge through. I will do my best to comfort him and alleviate all the emotional or physical pain I can, but instead of seeing this as a failure, I will see it as an opportunity for him to develop resilience and trust in his own ability to see himself through trials and my ability to help him. And let's not forget, it's an opportunity for me to practice a much-needed skill.

 

Day 1: And So It Begins

What started as somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek facebook status became a personal challenge thanks to the also somewhat humorous encouragement of my favorite (albeit only) French friend.

I don't usually indulge in pointless resolutions that I should've tackled long before the new year and am bound to break within the first week. But 2010 was a helluva ride, so it seems fitting to start 2011 with fresh resolve to move closer to the goals I always have for myself and my family...

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances. Day 1: Spilled bottle of wine is not a nuisance, but an opportunity to clean the fridge. 

I will choose acceptance over resistance. Day 1: Damn auto-start commercial that woke Max up when I tried to read an article was not my fault for opening the page or Nick's fault for leaving the volume on high. It is simply what happened and I can choose a positive or negative reaction to it. He will go back to sleep...sometime.

I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts. Day 1: Cookbooks and crayons strewn all over the floor. I love that Jackson is so enamored with healthy cooking and eating. I love that he's creative and expanding his artistic abilities. I love that he's so type A that he would never color in a cookbook because that's not what crayons are for.

I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I *try* to lavish on my husband and children each day. Day 1: Crayons and cookbooks on the floor annoyed the crap out of me. I remained calm and spoke quietly, but could have conveyed more love, respect and acceptance through my words. I am an imperfect person who makes mistakes. My failures give my children opportunities to learn resilience, to see me model repentance and reparation, to practice forgiveness, and to experience first-hand that my love is unconditional; no matter how I feel, how they feel, or how either of us chooses to act on those feelings, they learn to trust that love is constant and unchanging in our relationship.

So here I am on a personal mission to continue documenting my progress toward these goals for at least the next 365 days. And here's hoping most days are as light-hearted and successful as Day 1. Don't hold your breath!