Day 51: The Illusion Part III

I will choose to find a positive perspective under even the most negative circumstances.
I will choose acceptance over resistance.
I will choose to focus on the things I value about my children, not the things that drive me nuts.
I will choose to extend the same grace, love and forgiveness to myself that I try to lavish on my husband and children each day.

When I get a glimpse of life as it is instead of life as The Illusion leads me to believe it is, here's what I see: Control is not up for grabs, and trying to orchestrate the people and circumstances in my life to my liking doesn't give me power, it robs me of power. And more importantly, it robs me of peace and joy. 

I can't control the world around me or even how I feel about it, but I do control what I do with those feelings. And each time I choose resistance over acceptance, negativity over positivity, coercion over communication, domination over respect, I choose to give away that small piece of power I do have to change my world by changing how I view it and respond to it.

When I start to take an honest look at these things, a small, devilish version of me pops up on my shoulder and whispers, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." Because the thought of relinquishing control, imaginary as it may be, scares me. Acknowledging that fear and insecurity, not strength and confidence, are what make me so volatile leaves me feeling too vulnerable. And so I run from reality, back to the safe arms of The Illusion where I feel comfortable. Unsatisfied, conflicted, angry, but comfortable.

It's all I've known, and if I don't make a change, it's all I will know and all my children will know of me. And that is a thought I simply can't bear. That realization brings the angelic me to the other shoulder pleading, "Fling the curtain wide open."

So as I continue on with this project, that is exactly what I hope to do. Nothing about this journey so far has been comfortable. Putting my words on a page in itself makes me feel exposed and vulnerable, and when the words are personal that intensifies. But, like childbirth, the discomfort is temporary and the reward worth every pain and push.

So I will learn to accept powerlessness and welcome vulnerability, because these are the things that will bring me strength enough to break free of The Illusion.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."