Friday, May 13, 2011

Day 129: Refocusing

Since allowing myself the flexibility to post only when time allows I've noticed the following:
1) Time does not allow very often
2) There's always something else I could be doing that seems more important and usually trumps processing and posting
3) Posts became more theory than reality based - a sign of disconnection?
And most importantly...
4) Things have been heading in the wrong direction since I've scaled back

So what's a busy writing mom to do?

When I started this project, I didn't have time for it. But I committed to it.
And it worked.

As I've been experiencing more resistance, annoyance, and stress in the last few weeks, and my kids have thus been experiencing more rushing, yelling, and disrespect, a very clear picture of priorities was painted for me.

I'm amazed at the change we experienced when I was writing and really focusing my energy and time on my REAL job, the only one that truly matters in the grand scheme. I don't think I really knew how far we had come until I 'woke up' the other day and realized how far back we had slid!

As I thought about how Jackson and I had been butting heads, how I'd felt constantly impatient and on edge, how all of life felt like a struggle (the words I said to myself were literally, "Can't anything just be easy?!"), it hit me that in those months of intense focus that feeling was the exception, not the norm. And as I looked back over my posts, the evidence was there to corroborate that. What started as a string of posts about chaos and struggles slowly morphed into more posts about hopes and joys.

So once again, I'm saying: The cycle ends here!

My life is so full right now - with so many amazing people and responsibilities (privileges!) I could never imagine giving up - so I want to be careful not to over-commit. I also don't want to give myself room to blow off this project that is so vital to my growth as a mother and in turn to the health of our family. And that leaves me somewhere in the middle trying not to feed my all-or-nothing self, but instead nourishing my moderate self (I think she exists...).

I want to commit to posting a minimum of three times per week. I'm challenging myself to prioritize this project over the other things that have crowded it out, which I hope will translate to more than three posts each week, but I'm setting that boundary as a safety net to keep me moving forward.

And I'll be looking to all of you to keep me accountable!

The primary reason for making this a public blog rather than a private journal was to offer other struggling moms (which is all of us, by the way) a place to feel accepted and like they're not alone; to rip off the "perfect mom" band-aid to reveal the "real mom" underneath, wounds and all.

But secondary to that, I also knew that I needed accountability to motivate me to move forward when it seemed like too much work. So thanks to the tens of people reading for giving me that gift! ;-) I'll picture you're disapproving and judgmental glares next time I consider blowing off a post.


  1. No disapproval, glares or judgment, but I do have a big smile and joyous anticipation of reading more of your beautiful posts. <3

  2. I have found, with my blog, that if I make it something reasonable in my head, something I do because I like it, then it becomes manageable, I care less about the stats and the feedback.
    As I have committed to posting every day, and quotes every weekday, it does seem a huge amount of work, and at a time, it became more of a chore than something fun. I think a lot of bloggers struggle with this, but I don't think it is reasonable to write only when you feel like it, because writing is 75% exercise.
    Probably just blabbering...

  3. @dulce de leche: Thank you! I love reading your blog, and it's an honor to have you reading mine! If you read Day 115, you know that it's difficult to find spiritually *and* philosophically like-minded mothers in real life around here, so having the moral support of a few online and being able to learn and grow vicariously through your process as well is invaluable. <3

    @mamapoekie: You are that person who pops into my mind when I feel like I can't do it. "If Laura can do it with all she has going on, so can I!" :) So true about writing as an exercise. And just like physical exercise, once you get over the hump of getting your body moving, the payoff is spectacular. It returns so much more energy than it takes. For me, the struggle is keeping priorities in line, because whatever else moves up the list to knock writing down is something worthwhile and important - just not equally so.

  4. Meredith and Laura, you are both commendable for keeping up with blogging like that. It takes dedication, and a form of courage, to do that. Chapeau bas, mesdames !